


but then you're still left with your hands

by rainny_days



Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Forgiveness, Gen, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Recovery, Redemption, adaine is a good sister, aelwyn is a whole ass lesbian, aelwyn trying to be a good person, amazing how well you can heal with an emotional support system in place!, and learning what that even means, everyone's just doin their best alright, for the purposes of this fic ignore fabian/aelwyn, jawbone is a good dad, post-sophmore year
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:28:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23518462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainny_days/pseuds/rainny_days
Summary: Aelwyn, post-nightmare king, counts herself in what she is not: a golden daughter, a perfect student, a Bad Kid.Aelwyn, after.
Relationships: Adaine Abernant & Aelwen Abernant, Aelwen Abernant & Jawbone O'Shaughnessey, Aelwen Abernant/Sam Nightingale
Comments: 30
Kudos: 168





	but then you're still left with your hands

**Author's Note:**

> yes this is my second aelwyn fic in two days. shut up.
> 
> title abbreviated from richard silken: 'a man takes his sadness down to the river and throws it in the river/but then he's still left/with the river. a man takes his sadness and throws it away/but then he's still left with his hands'

Aelwyn, post-nightmare king, counts herself in what she is not: a golden daughter, a perfect student, a Bad Kid.

She cannot find nearly so many things to describe what she is- only _Adaine’s sister_ , which is a title so new to her that is still chafes, sometimes. _Broken_ , perhaps, but Adaine has made sure that that’s not true. _Alone_ isn’t quite accurate either, though it sometimes feels uncomfortably close.

She wonders, watching the people around her, kind the way people are when they can easily afford it, whether she can ever put _good person_ on that list.

*

All of the Bad Kids are kinder to her than she deserves, and she knows that Adaine is the reason.

‘You don’t have to make all your friends- be nice to me,’ she says one day, as they both trance on their bunks. ‘I don’t- I can handle myself, you know.’

‘I’m not _making_ anyone do anything,’ Adaine says, smarmy in that little-sister way. There’s no sting in her words though, not anymore. ‘Maybe my friends are just, I don’t know, nice?’

Aelwyn wrinkles her nose. ‘They all tried to kill me when we first met,’ she reminds her.

‘ _You_ stopped time and was putting a girl into a crystal!’ Adaine replies, indignant. It’s bizarre, how easily she makes it feel like a tease rather than an accusation.

‘ _You_ tried to punch me in the face!’ Aelwyn retorts. There’s a moment of silence between them, before they both fall into helpless giggles.

(Aelwyn thinks, in this moment, that it might be alright if A _daine’s sister_ is all she ever amounts to.

In fact, it might even be amazing.)

*

There’s a party at Mordred Manor - Gorgug’s birthday, she thinks - and the seven maidens are all invited.

Aelwyn does not want to be here, but she has nowhere else to go (story of her life, really). Proper etiquette has been drilled into her spine for long enough that she doesn’t quite feel comfortable staying upstairs while everyone else is socializing.

It’s fine, obviously. This isn’t _her_ house (that would be the one further north, you see, the one that is nothing more than char and ash), and the Bad Kids have far more right to dictate who is allowed to be here than she has.

(Aelwyn wasn’t really involved with the actual taking of most of the girls, other than Ostentasia. Not directly, anyways. Her contributions were more…arcane, the mix of perfect poisons and knowing how to plan their rituals _just so_.

All this to say: Aelwyn did not take most of the girls personally. That does not make her any less culpable.)

Most of the people at the party know her, which means most of them avoid her, whether out of wariness or kindness. That’s- fine. Adaine drifts over to check on her periodically, no matter how much Aelwyn tells her that it’s unnecessary, and Fabian at least is willing enough to talk to her, however stilted their conversation sometimes gets.

It’s- loud, and cheerful, and friendly in a way that she’s not used to social gatherings being. It’s Too Much, somehow, in a way that raves and ragers aren’t. Aelwyn feels out of place, and doesn’t know how to deal with that. Doesn’t _want_ to deal with that.

She ducks into the kitchen, and stills.

Sam Nightingale looks up from where she’s pouring herself some lemonade and freezes, just for a second. then- ‘What, did you forget your palimpsest, or something?’

‘Please, like I have the pocket space for it,’ Aelwyn says unthinkingly. Sam raises an eyebrow at her, and Aelwyn thinks that maybe the Good Person thing to do would’ve been to apologize.

Then she laughs, a clear, ringing sound. ‘You know, I _did_ wonder why Pen started carrying those giant purses around everywhere,’ she says, voice bubbling with amusement.

‘Oh god, those were _awful_ ,’ Aelwyn says with feeling. ‘It was like, evil does what evil must, but _surely_ you could’ve just gotten a bag of holding.’

Sam puts a hand over her mouth to muffle her giggles, dark blue hair falling forward as she bends with the force of her laughter. ‘She always liked the most gaudy shit,’ she says, between giggles. ‘I mean, the _prom_ crown? Really?’ Aelwyn snorts, feeling amusement rise in her esophagus despite herself.

‘When she showed us what it looked like, I almost asked her which crafting store she got it from,’ she admits, and, when Sam _looks_ at her, so helplessly amused, she starts laughing herself.

*

‘Don’t think this means I’ve forgiven you,’ Ostentasia tells her, standing beside her as they look through racks of gossamer clothing.

‘Don’t worry,’ Aelwyn says, more honestly than she means to. ‘I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if you did.’

Out of all the maidens, Ostentasia is the one who has carried the heaviest grudge. It makes sense, of course. since she’s the only one who was actually captured by Aelwyn ( _the only one who actually knows what you are,_ a voice in her mind corrects). It’s- nice, almost, to have this constant, blunt reminder.

A slight, blue hand shoves Ostentasia out of the way, replacing her at Aelwyn’s side. ‘We get it, Ostentasia,’ Sam says, rolling her eyes. ‘Just like, get her to buy you another fucking ring or something, jesus.’

She slants a smile at Aelwyn, and Aelwyn smiles back, the honesty of it still a little foreign on her face. Ostentasia huffs and rolls her eyes, muttering something uncomplimentary under her breath before going to try to harangue Zelda into buying anything other than a hoodie.

‘Honestly, it’s been a year,’ Sam says. ‘It’s like, get over it, you know?’

‘I did put her into a crystal,’ Aelwyn points out, her smile softening despite herself.

Sam snorts. ‘We’re Augefort students,’ she says. ‘That’s _nothing_.’

‘You understand that’s an incredibly worrying statement,’ Aelwyn tells her. ‘I mean, god knows I have no leg to stand on here, but what the _fuck_ do they put into the water at Augefort to get you people like this?’

Sam winks at her in response, her lashes going liquid for a moment with the movement. Aelwyn quickly looks back at the shirts in front of her.

‘You could come,’ Sam says, after a moment. ‘To Augefort.’

Aelwyn snorts. ‘And become an _adventurer_?’ she says, instinctively mocking. Sam raises a brow at her, eyes dark and deep and strangely, ridiculously fond.

‘No,’ she says. ‘To become one of _us_.’

*

‘Do _you_ want to go to school again?’ Jawbone’s voice is gentle in a way that would infuriate Aelwyn, if it didn’t comfort her so much. They sit at the counter in the manor’s kitchen, mugs of cocoa in between their palms, and Aelwyn tries not to let her hands shake.

‘I- I’ve missed a year,’ she says, voice quiet. ‘I don’t know if- I don’t know whether I can- I’m not sure.’

‘That’s alright,’ Jawbone says, steady and implacable. ‘Y’know, I dropped out of high school myself, and didn’t come back until, what, thirty years after? It’s never too late to start again, if you want to. And if you don’t want to, that’s fine too.’

‘But I _can’t’_ Aelwyn says, trying to explain. ‘I would be _behind._ ’ Panic rises in her chest at the thought of it. Is this what Adaine had felt like all the time? ‘I’d have to make up for junior year first, and I missed _all_ of senior year, and-’

‘Woah, bud,’ Jawbone stops her with a gentle paw to her arm, and she realizes distantly that she’s begun shaking. ‘Slow down there. Now, what’s got you so scared about bein’ behind?’

Aelwyn gives him a confused look. ‘I’d be _behind_ ,’ she repeats, not understanding his question. ‘I _can’t_ be behind. I’m-’ the words catch in her throat.

‘You’re what?’ Jawbone prompts, after a few seconds of silence. Aelwyn looks down.

‘I’m an Abernant,’ she says quietly. ‘But I don’t suppose that means anything, anymore.’

Jawbone’s chuckle raises her head, and she blinks at the look on his face. ‘Are you kidding, kiddo?’ he says, smiling. ‘ Your parents may not be around anymore, but you and your sister leave a pretty strong impression. Personally, when _I_ think of Abernants, I think of people who are clever, and brave, and kind.’

Aelwyn laughs, sharp and disbelieving. ‘I think you’re talking about Adaine,’ she says, because Adaine is the one who can measure herself by what she is: elven oracle, Bad Kid, Aelwyn’s sister, clever, brave, kind. A good person.

‘Don’t be so sure,’ Jawbone says, and Aelwyn would give anything to be as certain as he sounds. ‘It’s true enough that I’ve known your sister for longer than I’ve known you, but from what I’ve seen, you’re pretty damn great yourself.’

Aelwyn opens her mouth, then closes it. She feels- so much, rising from her in a wave. She almost doesn’t notice as she curls forward, as Jawbone unhesitatingly takes her into his arms. Jawbone’s shoulder is soft from where she weeps into it, and he is warm in a way that she thinks perhaps parents are, and maybe, just maybe, she can still be someone who _is,_ after all.

*

‘Hurry _up_ ,’ Adaine says, voice sharp with impatience as Aelwyn puts on a final sweep of lipstick.

‘Perfection takes time, Adaine,’ she says, grinning when her little sister grabs her hand and drags her away from the vanity, barely giving her enough time to grab her backpack before pulling her downstairs, outside, and into Jawbone’s van.

‘Everyone ready?’ he asks, as the six kids of Mordred Manor all pile into the seats, magically retrofitted to allow them all to fit. Voices call out with various levels of cheer and exhaustion, and Aelwyn has no frame of reference for any of this.

Fig looks at her from the passenger seat, winks. ‘It’s gonna be fun,’ she promises, as much to her as it is to her girlfriend, easy and kind in the way that all the Bad Kids are.

When they park behind the school, the kids all pile out into the parking lot. Aelwyn feels bereft for a moment, before she feels a hand taking hers.

Adaine smiles at her reassuringly, every inch the sister Aelwyn never was to her. ‘Come on,’ she says, and tugs Aelwyn along.

The halls of Augefort are louder than they were at Hudol, which Aelwyn had expected. There’s also a lot of awed looks aimed at Adaine and her friends, which Aelwyn had not expected, but probably should’ve.

‘I need to get to class,’ Adaine says as they reach Aelwyn’s locker, biting her lower lip. ‘Do you…’

Aelwyn forces herself to roll her eyes, pretending she isn’t touched. ‘I’ve found my way around bigger schools,’ she says, smiling at Adaine’s predictable look of mild annoyance. She feels less assured as Adaine’s denim jacket disappears into the crowd, though, and she closes her eyes. Takes a deep breath the way Jawbone had taught her to.

‘Nice skirt,’ Sam says, and Aelwyn opens her eyes to find her linking their arms, her eyes flicking over Aelwyn’s schedule quickly. Her hair falls into Aelwyn’s face, smelling faintly of seawater and morning dew. ‘Oh, _nice_ , we have the same first period!’ she says, and Aelwyn blinks, tries to keep her track of thought.

‘Mind leading the way?’ she asks, relieved at years of practice allowing her to be coherent even under undue pressure. Sam smiles at her, sharp and pretty and _awful_ , and begins to pull her along.

*

After the nightmare king, Aelwyn Abernant counts herself in what she has become: Adaine’s sister, Sam’s best friend, Augefort student, eighth maiden.

She isn’t quite ready to add _good person_ to the list yet, but, for the first time in a long time, she thinks she’ll get there one day.

**Author's Note:**

> find more of myself being emotional about stuff @tweetsongs


End file.
